Swamp People Don't Drink Starbucks
by caylender
Summary: The Shield discusses something that keeps most WWE fans up at night: what on earth is the stain on Luke Harper's shirt from? Starbucks coffee? Swamp scum? Seth and Dean explore the various theories while Roman just wants to get some sleep. One-shot


This is largely inspired by a conversation between the lovely captainbartholomew and me about Luke Harper's shirt. As with many of our conversations, both of us were left alternating between making sarcastic comments and busting a gut while laughing, so I figured that I might as well make a semi-cracky fic about it. ^_^

And as a side note, I didn't want to use Roman's daughter's real name because of a creep factor (in my honest opinion), so she's Leah in this.

Also, this is set during the Shield days...

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any wrestlers...or Starbucks... or Wal-Mart...and I don't appreciate you rubbing that fact in.

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"There's nothing to it. He's a backwards swamp man: swamp dirt on an old wife beater."

"I'm not sure, Dean. I feel like that's too obvious."

Roman took a deep breath as he concentrated on navigating the rental car towards the hotel. He was tired from the car ride and just wanted a chance to sleep.

Seth then said, "Maybe he just spills coffee on himself every night before a match because he's clumsy."

"No way, man! Swamp people don't drink coffee. Can you picture Harper at Starbucks?"

Seth snorted at the mental image of Harper in his dingy shirt and full beard in the middle of a busy Starbucks with men and women in business suits around him, going "Yeah, yeah yeeeeaaaaah!" when reaching the register and finally ordering.

Roman shook his head and wondered why his brothers were on this particular tangent.

"Colin says that he saw Harper buying a pack of shirts from Wal-Mart and when he got out to the parking lot, he pulled one out and rubbed it on the underside of some soccer mom's car."

There was a moment of contemplative silence from Roman and Dean before Dean replied, "So you're saying that he purposely dirties up several shirts just to mess with people? And most likely he's a perfectly hygienic guy? And those aren't gator juices?"

"Gator juices?"

"Backwards swamp guy."

Seth thought for a moment before shaking his head. "It's just a theory; I never said that I believed it."

"Well, it's wrong. They don't have Wal-Mart's in the swamp."

Seth made a face. "I can't believe that's the only thing that-"

"I can't believe that you two have been talking about this for the last ten minutes," Roman said, interrupting Seth.

Seth rolled his eyes, and Dean stared at Roman. And a couple of minutes pass with Dean staring at Roman from the passenger seat with Seth gazing out the window.

Without breaking his staring contest with the side of Roman's head, Dean asked, "Do you think Wyatt just steals used shirts from all of the venders that he buys his Hawaiian shirts from and gives them to Harper?"

Seth frowned as his eyes drifted from the passing landscape. "Wait, what?"

"I dunno why but I can picture Bray Wyatt only buying his shirts from the classic street festival souvenir stands, where the vendor is this big, beer belly guy, who's probably eating while making the sale and spilling on his shirt. And after Wyatt buys another demented tourist shirt, he asks the vendor for the shirt he's wearing, too, for Harper. And when the vendor says 'no,' Wyatt rambles about 'following the buzzards' and 'Sister Abigail' until the vendor finally is fed up with hearing the cult recruitment speech, rips it off, and gives it to Wyatt, going 'have a nice day, leave me alone!'"

Roman eyed Dean while still trying to pay attention to the road, and Seth seemed to be caught up between thinking his brother was insane and laughing at the mental image. Seth finally decided to take the comment seriously. "I guess I can kind of picture that… But that would mean the shirts come pre-stained."

"Hmm…"

Seth shrugged. "I can kind of picture him forcing some poor intern to stain his shirts for him."

"Worst job ever"

"Agreed," Roman added.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Then there's always the classic rumor that they feed to newbies: it's from killing off jobbers that look at him funny."

Seth gaped at Dean from where he was sitting in the backseat. "Who says that?"

Dean shrugged. "Anyone new. I think Harper spreads that rumor to scare opponents."  
"But that doesn't even make sense! Wouldn't it be blood then? The stains are definitely not blood."

"PG era, my friend. Can't have that much blood. It would scare the kids."

Seth sniggered. "Too late for that; the entire family scares kids."

"Actually," Roman found himself chiming into the conversation to his own surprise. "Leah actually likes Rowan. She used to call him Mr. Lamby."

Dean cackled like a madman while Seth glanced quizzically at Roman. "Seriously?"

Roman nodded. "I couldn't make something like that up. She also thought that Harper is a mechanic, who the WWE keeps around to perform oil changes, and Orton wants to be a professional swimmer like Michael Phelps."

Dean chuckled. "Because of the trunks?"

Roman grinned. "Because of the trunks."

The three brothers were quiet for a moment before Dean said, "You know how some celebs will sell their crap on ebay? Can you picture Harper trying to sell his used shirts? 'AUTHENTIC DIRTY LUKE HARPER TANK TOP! STRAIGHT OFF HIS BACK! NEVER WASHED!'"

Roman grinned. "Perfect gift for any WWE fan."

"I can see him trying to figure out why the fangirls aren't bidding on it when all of Roman Reigns's used water bottles are bought within minutes!" Seth said snarkily.

"And when someone actually does bid?" Roman asked.

Seth and Dean looked at each other and said in unison, "Yeeeaah, yeeaah, yeeaaah!"

The three men burst into laughter at this. As Seth began to calm down enough to speak, he said, "I think the shirt could actually be a strategy. "

Dean snorted. "Just because you're into planning and strategy, Mr. Architect of The Shield, doesn't mean that everyone else thinks the same way."

Seth rolled his eyes. "No kidding Dean. I mean, if he's all greasy, sweaty, and stinky, no one will want to put him in a submission hold and keep him there for very long. It's strategy."

Roman glanced at Dean who was frowning in contemplation. "Actually, that makes sense."

Dean shook his head. "Nah, I bet Wyatt once told him that he looked nice in the shirt, so Harper decided to never take it off."

Seth winced. "Ew"

Roman scratched his beard. "Maybe it's his lucky shirt, so he doesn't want to take it off for a match."

After a couple more minutes, Roman turned the rental into the hotel's parking lot. And soon, the members of Shield were standing outside the car, stretching and grabbing out bags.

"You know, I still want to know what the stain on Harper's shirt is from," Seth confessed as they began to walk past the black SUV that was parked next to their rental car.

Roman shook his head and smiled, and Dean clapped a hand on Seth's shoulder. "Seth," Dean said, seriously, "the only way you'll ever know for sure is to join the Wyatt Family."

Seth wrinkled his nose. "I'll join up right after you, Dean"

As soon as The Shield walked around the corner, a man rolled out from underneath the black SUV. He sat up on the rolling creeper and wiped his greasy hands off on his stained wife beater.

A little known fact about Luke Harper was that he was a complete grease monkey. If he ever wanted to unwind when on the road, he made excuses to tinker with the rental. This particular evening, he decided to perform an oil change on the Wyatt's rented SUV.

Harper stood and picked up the Starbuck's iced coffee that he had stashed by the driver's side front wheel before throwing his head back and laughing. No one would ever know.

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Please, review! I'm still very new to the wrestling fandom (I blame captainbartholomew for getting me hooked), so I'd love to hear if I'm doing these Shield boys and WWE in general justice. And if nothing else, tell me your stance on Harper's shirt.


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